GIFTS part 1

Not all gifts come wrapped in colorful paper with a pretty bow.  The gifts we give of ourselves, from our hearts, out of love and commitment, are such gifts.  They cannot be confined by space or time, and the exchange may last a lifetime, or a moment. They have many names, and frequently overlap one another - the gift of love, the gift of self-respect and self-esteem, the gift of trust, the gift of family, the gift of compassion and caring, the gift of understanding and forgiveness, and the gift of comfort and security.      

These precious gifts are given silently, without fuss or fanfare.  As a parent we give them to our children.  As husbands or wives we give them to our spouses.  We give them freely to our family, our friends, and when the opportunity arises, to others.  We do this because it is the right thing to do; it is who we are.   

It was well into adulthood when I became fully conscious of the many gifts given to me by my parents, and the role they have played in my life.  These words are a tribute to Josephine and Spartaco Renzulli, my parents to whom I owe so much.

Good things have happened to me in my life; I have been blessed with gifts and opportunities for which I can take no credit.  And in the rare dark days that I have experienced, there were dear friends who cared for me and supported me, helping me move beyond the sadness and pain to a place to heal.

What I have to say about gifts, and my understanding of them, is based on my personal experience with my parents and my family.  These gifts were generously bestowed upon me, by my remarkable parents.  I have tried to pass them on to my children, and to share them with others.  These are the gifts each of us can give to the world.

I was blessed at birth.

THE GIFT OF SELF-ESTEEM

One of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is a healthy sense of self-esteem, instilling in them the idea that they are persons of worth, healthy that the praise and accolades are appropriate and not mindless and unwarranted.  Excessive, unwarranted praise can be just as damaging as the withholding of approval.

I have grown to appreciate the immense value of this precious gift, and the important role it plays in our lives.  Withholding this gift from a child can have devastating consequences later in life.  It is difficult to pursue dreams and set lofty goals if you feel you are unworthy or undeserving.

Although I was not conscious of it at the time, I grew up feeling good about myself.  This did not prevent me from experiencing the usual adolescent crisis of self-confidence, especially where girls were involved, and later as an adult feeling somewhat uncomfortable in certain social settings.  But even then, at a deeper, core level, I thought of myself as OK, and could not imagine anyone not liking me.  As a parent I wanted to pass this gift on to my children; wanting them to know they were important individuals, and that they were loved.  This meant showing them and telling them. The gifts of self-esteem and love are intrinsically linked; it is difficult to imagine one without the other.   Some parents have a problem with saying, “I love you” to their children, and offer their love by their actions.

To our friends and others, we quietly nurture self-esteem by simply being a friend, offering support, encouragement, and caring.

GIFTS

For several months I've been working on this small essay about gifts, and as I moved further into the piece I found it was increasingly becoming a tribute to my parents. I've decided to keep it this way, at least for now, while I take some time away from it. In the meantime I will post the initial draft to the blog in 2 parts and welcome any feedback you have to offer.

GIFTS...FIRST OF 2 PARTS


Gifts...
a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present : a Christmas gift | [as adj. ] a gift shop. See note at present .
• an act of giving something as a present : his mother's gift of a pen.
• informal a very easy task or a can’t miss opportunity : that touchdown was an absolute gift.

PREFACE

Good things have happened to me in my life; I have been blessed with gifts and opportunities for which I can take no credit. And in the rare dark days that I have experienced, there were dear friends who cared for me and supported me, helping me move beyond the sadness and pain to a place to heal.

I was blessed at birth.


A LITTLE BOOK OF GIFTS

Not the gifts that come wrapped in pretty paper and a colorful bow, and not the gifts we exchange on holidays or give to our loved ones on birthdays, but the gifts of the heart and spirit, of living, the gifts we give of ourselves to others that can make their lives better. These gifts of many names frequently overlap one another…the gift of love, the gift of self-respect and self-esteem, the gift of family, the gift of compassion and caring, and the gift of comfort and security.

Many of us have been fortunate to have received these gifts from our parents, families, and loved ones, often given silently, with the recipient unaware of his or her blessings until years later. It was not until well into adulthood that I became fully conscious of all that had been given to me, and the role those many gifts have played in my life.

My intent was simply to make us mindful of the gifts we have received and perhaps are now in a position to share with others, but as I progressed into the narrative I realized that this is really a testament to my parents. I feel comfortable and confident speaking of these gifts because I have been given each of them by two wonderful people. These words are a tribute to Josephine and Spartico Renzulli, my parents to whom I owe so much.




The gift of self-esteem

A sense of self esteem and self worth are necessary attributes to live a successful life, success being a life filled with meaning, purpose, and satisfaction and not one measured by financial or social achievements.
The greatest gift parents can give their children is a healthy sense of self-esteem. Healthy in that it is appropriate and not mindless praise, and that it is accompanied by instilling a respect for work and not a sense of entitlement. Excessive, unwarranted praise can be just as damaging as withholding of approval.

Although I was not conscious of it at the time, I grew up feeling good about myself. This did not prevent me from experiencing the usual adolescent crisis of self-confidence, especially where girls were involved, and later as an adult feeling somewhat uncomfortable in certain social settings. But even then, at a deeper, core level, I thought of myself as OK, and could not imagine anyone not liking me. As a parent, it important to me to do all I could to pass this gift on to my children; I wanted them to know that they were important individuals, and that they were loved. This meant showing them and telling them. Some parents have a problem with the “telling” part and offer their love from a distance.

The gifts of respect, trust, and acceptance

It was an ah ha moment that I still remember some 30 years later. My oldest daughter was 13 years old when it hit me like a slap on the head; my wife and I could do and say all the right things and still not have total control over our daughter’s destiny. I believe this is one of the most difficult aspect of parenting, understanding and accepting the fact that we never have complete control. There are many elements that are beyond our reach. Failing to acknowledge this, and the excessive imposition of parental will and control can be just as harmful as excessive neglect of parental responsibilities. Wise parents know when to step back and show trust in their child, when to allow them to make healthy mistakes, and when to accept their decisions, never easy calls to make.

My parents trusted me, they set boundaries and made it clear what was expected of me, but at the same time gave me room to make my own decision, both good and bad. They never discouraged me from pursuing some task or project or diminished my ideas. I was never expected to take over the family farm, it was an unspoken given that I would go to college to prepare for a career of my own choice. They did not push me into one direction or another. My first choice was pharmacy, no doubt influenced by my years of working in our local pharmacy. After one year in pharmacy school I decided my future was in medicine, and my parents accepted that, despite the hardships it would create for them. I knew they were proud of me. They had accomplished what so many of their generation tried to do, to see that their children had a better life than they did.

I can only imagine what they thought when I told them that I wanted to pursue art, not as a hobby, but as a career to be shared with medicine. The only thing they asked me was, “are you sure this is what you want to do”. When I said it was, any disappoint they may have felt was kept to themselves, and they offered me nothing but encouragement. My parents never failed to respect my decisions.

The gift of comfort and security

It has been easy for me to look back on my childhood as idyllic, thanks to this gift. Life on our small farm was a fun adventure shared with friends and family. Although an only child, there were neighbors, friends, and endless cousins for companionship. I enjoyed all of benefits of life on a farm in a small town. Like so many farmers of my father’s generation there was never much money, but I never felt poor or deprived. Years later I realized
That my childhood was wonderful because my parents protected me from the hardships they were experiencing. While life was good for me, they were dealing with the never-ending stress of making enough money to keep the farm operating and paying the ever-present debts. Like all farmers, my father worked long hours 7 days a week, 52 weeks of the year, and my mother from time to time worked in one of the many small clothing factories that were located in town. She did this even as she cooked, made bread, pasteurized our milk and made butter, and did all the housework, plus feeding the endless stream of visitors every weekend. It would have been very easy for them to demonstrate bitterness, unhappiness, or even anger that I could have seen. But they did none of this, and whatever distress they might have felt was kept hidden from me, just one more of their many gifts to me.


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THE ME GENERATION & NARCISSISM & SELF ESTEEM

I recently read some commentary addressing what the writer sees as a growing phenomenon, narcissism in the “me generation”. This is a generation characterized by narcissism and a sense of entitlement, where the interests and well-being of the individual come before those of the group. Impatience and a desire for instant gratification are also assigned to this generation, and reference was made to the book, Generation Me, by Jean Twinge, who describes young people as being more assertive, confident, entitled, and more miserable than ever before. When things go wrong in their life they tend to project the blame on others, which in turn results in frustration, anger, and eventual rudeness. The end result is increasing stress levels.

Not a very complimentary description of this generation (folks born between 1981 and 1999, according to Twinge). My skepticism evolved to anger and frustration when the writer disparagingly described parents raising their children to “feel special, be anything they wanted to be, and to believe in yourself”. Here was another example of someone taking the easy way out by seeing only extremes and failing to examine all of the intricacies of an issue.

I don’t know of a greater gift that a parent can give their child than the gift of self esteem and the belief that they can aspire to realize what ever dreams they may have. A child who grows up believing he or she is special, believing in themselves, is someone who will be emotionally prepared to address the trials and tribulations of life. It is only after an individual understands and accepts who they are that they can then effectively serve others and the community.

But there is more to this than instilling these character strengths in the child. It is equally important for children to know their role in the community, to learn from their parents that they are part of a world larger than themselves. In addition, instilling a sense of self worth is not the equivalent of a sense of entitlement, in fact the lesson is this: you aspire to achieve your dreams by working for them. It is the absence of these lessons, and not the instillation of self esteem and self worth that leads to narcissism. A critical point that this commentator failed to address.