WE WERE THREE

mom, dad, and me

Looking for a reason to remain here in my study, cooled by the ceiling fan, I began going back over old journal entries and found this entry from a year ago.

THE PAST IS ALWAYS WITH US, AND THE FUTURE IS NOT FAR BEHIND

Good grief! Who knew that turning 70 would provide so many issues to deal with (and write about). I will be lucky if I can get all the emotional and psychological stuff dealt with before I reach 80.

I have 9 months left in which to milk this 70th birthday. No one gives a shit about 71!

I’m 70 years old and rarely does a day go by that I don’t think about my mother and father. Oh how I would love to go back into time and reclaim those years that I took for granted. With the wisdom that accompanies retrospection I realize how precious and special they were. But of course that is what the years bring to us, the wisdom to appreciate that which is has past, family, friends, community, and perhaps greatest of all, freedom from responsibility. My childhood was wonderful and glorious because my parents carried the burden of responsibilities for me, for themselves, my grandfather, and the farm. I realize now, in the latter years of my life, that for them, the years were tough and stressful, and that they protected me from their almost daily struggles.

I cannot help but feel some degree of guilt for not realizing this sooner, but mostly I feel gratitude, gratitude to them for being the parents that they were and giving to me all that they did. I imagine they knew that my turn to shoulder responsibility would come soon enough.


Graduation day at Jefferson Medical College

SEVEN -O

It has taken me a while,but I finally figured it out. This mental funk I've been in for the past few months can be traced back to my birthday in May.

I can look back on several birthdays that have had special import for me. Certainly my 17th, which allowed me to apply for a drivers license, a milestone for any teenage boy, and of course my 21st, which made it legal for me to drink and make a fool of myself. It would be 41 years before the next milestone arrived...my 65th birthday was accompanied by a Medicare card! My parents had Medicare cards for heaven's sake, and now I was looking at one with MY name on it. This might have caused problems for a lesser man than me, but possessed of a strong heart and mind - well, at least a strong heart - I dealt with it and got on with my life, knowing it would be 5 years before I would be facing another significant milestone. Sixty something is one thing, but SEVENTY, that’s clearly something else.

Imagine my surprise and dismay when now, 4 years later, after my 69th birthday, I find myself struggling to deal with the idea of being 70 years old. It doesn’t matter that I’m only 69. Sixty nine doesn’t really exist. It is only there to tell me that in a very short time “YOU WILL BE SEVENTY!” At this point I should explain that I am what the psychologist Carl Jung would call an intuitive, meaning I tend to always focus on the future, living ahead of myself; sometimes I feel like I’ve already lived 2 lifetimes. Although it is premature to deal with all of this now, by doing so my 70th birthday will be a breeze.

OK, so it is all relative, and it is mental, not physical. When I look in the mirror do I see someone who is SEVENTY years old? Of course not. Just because I can’t get up from kneeling without the help of holding on to something...well that doesn’t mean anything. And so I make a little noise when I get up from a chair, it’s just a little ooomph, and that doesn’t count. There are of course a few other problems, which are too delicate to discuss here, but they too are basically all mental......aren’t they.

So, what is my problem with 70? I guess it is the realization that all of the “some day”s that I have always counted on may no longer be there, and for a Jungian intuitive that can be rather threatening. But that is another story.