You're Not Safe Anywhere

 

You’re Not Safe Anyywhere

 

It began innocently enough. A few mild lower abdominal cramps and a sense of pelvic fullness, familiar feelings we’ve all experienced, but generally find no reason to discuss publicly. There was no sense of urgency, so 15 -20 minutes later I made my way to the bathroom in the studio to take care of the issue at hand. You will understand if I avoid a detailed description of the following events, carefully selecting those that I will share with you, dear readers.

 

As many of you know, I am 82 years old, and I have learned to respect the limits that age has imposed on my sense of balance. So, I approach everything with some degree of caution, especially in the bathroom. But this was a simple matter of sitting down, something I do countless times every day. What can go wrong with that? And indeed, I safely accomplished the maneuver. However, within a few seconds after sitting I found myself moving swiftly toward the door in front of me. I don’t mean getting up and walking hastily out of the room. I was still seated while in motion!  Actually not just me, but the entire toilet! My swift, precision like mind told me that unless I acted quickly, not only would I find myself in a pile on the bathroom floor, but could possibly sustain some serious hurt that I would eventually have to explain to my wife. Ignoring the fact that most of the lower half of my body was exposed to the local environment, and with my trousers down around my ankles, I desperately grabbed onto the sink with one hand and pushed against the wall with the other, successfully bringing everything to a standstill. Well, perhaps more like a sit-still. It was then I realized the toilet seat had become separated from its moorings, and as soon as I sat down it slid forward and would have deposited me on the floor except for my quick cat-like instincts. As a result, I found myself sitting on a toilet seat precariously balance on the front rim of the toilet bowl, afraid to move for fear of upsetting the balance.

 

I will leave it to your imagination to figure out how I extricated myself from this ridiculous position. I do have some pride!