Reflections on a Dream
His was a life defined by change.
At least that was how he saw it. There were not many changes, but when they
occurred, they were significant, causing major disruptions in his life, as well
as the life of others. He did not consciously pursue change, seeking something
better than what he had. In fact, there were years of utter satisfaction and
joy in the life he was living. There was no reason to look elsewhere for
something missing in his life. At the onset, life was easy. The paths were
wide, amply marked, and well lit. They were easy to navigate, and minor changes
along the way could be accomplished without difficulty. There were no major
obstacles in his path. It was a happy road that would take him to wherever he
was going, and once there…well, he never thought about what would follow.
It would be easy to say that
circumstances changed, but that’s not what happened. He changed. He had
absorbed all there was for him in what could be considered the first of many
way stations in his life’s path. The road did not end. It was still there,
waiting for him, perhaps even calling him. But it was not the wide, easy road
he first traveled. This road was narrower, with fewer markers along the way. There
were now obstacles that had to be overcome. The road was steeper, and unlike
before, stress and anxiety were his companions. He was hesitant at first, not sure if he
wanted to make this journey, and on more than one occasion he turned back. But
in the end, he set off, determined to go wherever the road would take him. The
further he traveled the steeper the road.
This time, the road didn’t stop,
and he realized what should have been obvious - it never would. Wherever he
was, he could never leave this road, no matter how difficult it became. There
would be some respite along the way, and occasionally he would find himself in
places he never expected or intended to be. Personal losses and grief were
balanced by satisfying accomplishments and joy. As the years accumulated, he
anticipated reaching a place where the traveling would slow down considerably,
if not cease altogether, but that never happened, there was always a place a
little further down the road that was calling him. Getting there, even if the
journey was short, was becoming increasingly difficult. The road was now very
narrow, steep, and full of twists and turns, with nothing to mark the way. He
stumbled frequently and often stopped to rest, questioning where this road
would take him. The landscape was changing, the familiar becoming less so as
new and uncomfortable vistas opened before him. He no longer had the confidence
and trust in himself that he once possessed in abundance.
Rilke tells us that change
germinates slowly within us before it makes its “sudden” appearance, catching
us unprepared. The road, which had become so difficult to follow, suddenly
became unpassable. Fallen trees, boulders, and water obstructed passage to what
was now an obscenely steep grade. Only with extreme effort was it possible to
move closer to what was yet an unknown destination. Nothing else mattered now,
not the past, not the exhausting effort it took to move forward, and not even
the love of the family and friends that accompanied him on this entire journey.
Suddenly the road became an open flat surface that rose before him, so steep it
was almost impossible to scale. He was now crawling because it was impossible
to stand erect. He could see the crest. It was within his reach, and with his
last bit of strength he pulled himself up to look out and see his destination -
an endless sea of dark nothingness.