Reflections on a Dream

 

His was a life defined by change. At least that was how he saw it. There were not many changes, but when they occurred, they were significant, causing major disruptions in his life, as well as the life of others. He did not consciously pursue change, seeking something better than what he had. In fact, there were years of utter satisfaction and joy in the life he was living. There was no reason to look elsewhere for something missing in his life. At the onset, life was easy. The paths were wide, amply marked, and well lit. They were easy to navigate, and minor changes along the way could be accomplished without difficulty. There were no major obstacles in his path. It was a happy road that would take him to wherever he was going, and once there…well, he never thought about what would follow.

 

It would be easy to say that circumstances changed, but that’s not what happened. He changed. He had absorbed all there was for him in what could be considered the first of many way stations in his life’s path. The road did not end. It was still there, waiting for him, perhaps even calling him. But it was not the wide, easy road he first traveled. This road was narrower, with fewer markers along the way. There were now obstacles that had to be overcome. The road was steeper, and unlike before, stress and anxiety were his companions.  He was hesitant at first, not sure if he wanted to make this journey, and on more than one occasion he turned back. But in the end, he set off, determined to go wherever the road would take him. The further he traveled the steeper the road.

 

This time, the road didn’t stop, and he realized what should have been obvious - it never would. Wherever he was, he could never leave this road, no matter how difficult it became. There would be some respite along the way, and occasionally he would find himself in places he never expected or intended to be. Personal losses and grief were balanced by satisfying accomplishments and joy. As the years accumulated, he anticipated reaching a place where the traveling would slow down considerably, if not cease altogether, but that never happened, there was always a place a little further down the road that was calling him. Getting there, even if the journey was short, was becoming increasingly difficult. The road was now very narrow, steep, and full of twists and turns, with nothing to mark the way. He stumbled frequently and often stopped to rest, questioning where this road would take him. The landscape was changing, the familiar becoming less so as new and uncomfortable vistas opened before him. He no longer had the confidence and trust in himself that he once possessed in abundance.

 

Rilke tells us that change germinates slowly within us before it makes its “sudden” appearance, catching us unprepared. The road, which had become so difficult to follow, suddenly became unpassable. Fallen trees, boulders, and water obstructed passage to what was now an obscenely steep grade. Only with extreme effort was it possible to move closer to what was yet an unknown destination. Nothing else mattered now, not the past, not the exhausting effort it took to move forward, and not even the love of the family and friends that accompanied him on this entire journey. Suddenly the road became an open flat surface that rose before him, so steep it was almost impossible to scale. He was now crawling because it was impossible to stand erect. He could see the crest. It was within his reach, and with his last bit of strength he pulled himself up to look out and see his destination - an endless sea of dark nothingness.